Today is my anniversary so I thought it was only right for me to put aside talks of fear and rather talk about love. I waited and prayed a long time for my husband and despite all the prayers and lonely nights God would not bring my charming prince to me. I began to believe the lies that were spoken to me. The lies of “I am not marriage material” “You will never find your bad boy Christian” “Maybe it is not in the cards for you” and started to give up on the thought of a husband and the children that I wanted to have. I began to think that I was not loveable and questioned what love was. I was hurt so many times, taken advantage of so many times and was lied to countless of times all in the name of and the hope for LOVE. We know that the more you hear something and if you are not in the word of God you begin to believe the lies the enemy wants you to believe.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” (John 10:10) NLT
My dating life was not a pleasant life. I was confused on what dating was. I thought dating meant having sex. I was molested at the age of five and date raped one to many times because I was saying NO!… I thought sex meant love. At least for me it did. I thought every time I slept with someone he loved me because I loved him. Well, I thought I loved him. And to top it all off I also thought it was an automatic relationship. It took me falling in Love with God to find out what Love really was.
“He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth” Psalms 33:5 NLT
I was rejected by family members and those I thought loved me because they were busy judging me instead of asking the right questions on why I behaved a certain way. I was talked behind my back belittled and found myself in search of love from any man because I had no one who truly loved me. The day I began to seek God first and not the desire of having a husband is the day I began to truly love God and love myself. I began to put aside childish things and began to realize that I had made the desire of having a husband an Idol.
“When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)
How could a man love me if I do not love myself? Loving myself meant loving God. How could I love myself when I had such a low self-image? It took me many years to figure this out which I indulge deeper in my book. But, for now I will focus on my love story.